Aerden (aerden) wrote,

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The Loss of a Mother

I just heard a story on the radio about a 12 year-old girl who shot her mother in the face as she slept, killing her. She allegedly did this because she was angry at having been grounded.

This upset me a lot. I walked away from the radio, thinking, Why did you do this? Now your mother won't be with you on your wedding day. She won't be there to hold your hand when you have your first child. You'll never again be able to call her up on the phone, just to say, "I love you.." and to chat.

My mother and I had a difficult relationship when I was a child. I had a congenital physical condition that went undiagnosed until I was about 17. My entire family thought it was psychological, instead; they even sent me to a psychiatrist for a couple of years, to try and get my head straightened out. Then, I needed to have pelvic x-rays done, and suddenly, everyone said, "Oh! that's the problem! Not behavioral, at all!"

But even when I was the most afraid of my mother's temper, I somehow never doubted that she loved me. Yes, there were times when I felt distinctly unloved and felt as if she hated the sight of me. But when I was truly honest with myself, I knew my mother did love me and that I loved her. That got me through the bad times. That inner certainty of her love has allowed me to heal, so that I was at last able to tell her some of what I had felt as a child, and she was able to talk to me about it, without either of us being hurtful to each other. We were just honest, and we cared, and that was what mattered.

This openness between us is very precious to me. I am more grateful to have this newfound adult relationship with my mother than I can possibly put into words. So it tears me up inside to think that this 12 year-old girl would throw all of that away, would throw the chance to have that all away on one occasion of boiling anger.

She didn't even claim that she was abused, just that she was grounded. She'll never have her mother again, just because she was pissed off at being punished. I can't imagine being so completely heedless of the future. Death is final. What in the world was this kid thinking??? I feel so sad about it.

Job News: I start the OJT next Monday. It should last until approximately January 18.

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