1. Okay, Okay! I take it back. Unscrew You.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self control.
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet.
15. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
16. Don't worry I forgot your name too.
17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
18. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
19. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
20. Chaos, panic and disorder...my work here is done.
21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
22. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
23. Earth is full. Go Home.
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
25. I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
26. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
28. If assholes could fly this place would be an airport.
29. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
* * *
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!'
I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'