Aerden (aerden) wrote,

Writing Narcissa Malfoy

Beyond the Hallows: I write Narcissa Malfoy in the Beyond the Hallows RPG, and I am finding her both fascinating and difficult to write.

I think she's fascinating because I am writing her as someone who has finally woken up and smelled the coffee after twenty some-odd years. She is at last seeing what the world is like, seeing the damage that the DE, Voldemort, and obssession with blood status have wrought, and she doesn't like it. For the first time in her life, she's questioning everything she was taught. I love this, and I feel as if I could gladly write her forever.

On the other hand, she is difficult to write because she is so depressed in my head. She's angry, unhappy, confused, and lonely. She realizes that she's alienated all the people she would now like to be friends with and can't stand the people she was friends with--wants nothing whatsoever to do with them. The only people she has right now are Lucious and Draco, and, somewhat distantly, her sister Andromeda, who she is awkwardly trying to repair relations with.

There are times when I think (and she 'says' so in my head) that she dares not cry because she's afraid that if she does, she won't be able to stop.

I am not prone to depression, so this is disconcerting to me, and it feels weird to both feel, in a part of my mind, depressed and yet not be depressed, at all. Even as I write this, I'm amused at my own psyche.

But I can't let her fall apart in the RP, even though I think, in a way, it might be realistic for her to. She's lived in a house with Voldemort for the past year. She's watched people be murdered and tortured in her own home, and she's ashamed that she was too gut-terrified to stop it. She's watched her own son be forced to do Voldemort's bidding and feared for his and her husband's lives constantly.

She's obssessively gardening in the RP right now because gardening is hard physical work (she's doing it the Muggle way), and she wants to be so exhausted that she falls asleep at night and doesn't dream, doesn't think, doesn't anything.

Then there are Lucius and Draco to consider. She loves them, and she knows they must be going through the same thing she is, in their own ways. She can see the condition they're in and thinks she should be strong for them--because she can tell that Lucius, at least, is in a bad way.

But I'm just sitting here thinking that something's got to give, and how to write that in an RPG so that it's not a pity party is a thing I'm having a hard time working out how to write.

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